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Old 08 Nov 2017, 10:09 PM   #679700 / #1
justme
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I am transgender and have been that way all my life. I have no idea wither that has anything to do with the demons that have caused me so much grief, but full disclosure. I need to release them in order for me to continue.

Be it known to everyone that I am concerned and interested personal in everyone around me. You guys rock and in more ways than one.

I was personally honored, a while ago to being placed in the moderators position of the lounge and that was truly an honor. When I left that position I lied about the reason to Jobar and the rest of the staff, which I am ashamed of. I only wish I could have told DBM before she passed. I will regret my cowardess for the rest of my life. She was truly a phenomenal person and her loss is a loss to us all.

I'd like to tell you the real reason I left my mod status and the board itself. on several occasions. I'm not doing this to garner sympathy from anyone but to address my activities and mannerisms. Hopefully I can get some corrective critisms from those willing to grant me that, when I start acting differently.

Being the person I am and having the demons within me I am uncomfortable everywhere and when I'm accepted I tare myself apart in an internal struggle that has effected every relationship and ever position I've held as far back as I can remember. I have hated myself and in sime small portions of my mind, I still do. I think Grocho Marz said it best when he said. "I would never be a member of a club that would accept me"

I will never get the surgery to change my outward appearance as it makes mr feel as if I am a fraud and am putting one over on my sisters out there.

They are the ones that hav been the targets of so much sexually based abuse. They were the ones pushed into corners, groped and treated as if they were second class citizens. I know I suffered in my own mind, but I was never raped or had my pay cut down simply for being female. All in all I benefited by my outward appearance, even though their are social pressures in looking male as well.

Me being who I am inside, I was never able to feel the part of a man and couldn't get the masculine attitudes of the supreme alpha male. It simply felt ridiculous waste of time. I always surrounded myself with girls and women because I felt comfortable.

All in all I think it would be criminal to live my life as a man and benifit by that, only to change myself physically in my later years. To me that would be giving all the women in the world my middle finger and I won't do that.

I can thank OZY for bring up the question of how actually does a women feel. It gave me pause to understand my feelings as to what was masculine and what was famine in a world where stereotypical attitudes were being broken and have been by those who were targetted by the labels of Tomboy girls and effeminate men, by those who tried to categorize such behavior for their own sanity.
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Old 12 Nov 2017, 02:23 PM   #679999 / #2
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Quote:
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I will never get the surgery to change my outward appearance as it makes me feel as if I am a fraud and am putting one over on my sisters out there.
IMHO, You are not a fraud, You are what you are. Don't feel sorry for yourself, whenever you happen to get surgery. That is all I can say.
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Old 12 Nov 2017, 03:41 PM   #680001 / #3
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Life is too short (and meaningless) to give a shit what others think. Live your truth and joke ‘em if they can’t take a f&ck.
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Old 12 Nov 2017, 05:08 PM   #680007 / #4
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Do you really want to dilate every single day? Do you want to exponentially raise chances for serious infection?

Just isn't worth it, really. I've seen HORROR stories. Those abominations don't look like vaginas and you will fool literally nobody.
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Old 12 Nov 2017, 06:37 PM   #680015 / #5
justme
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It's not the physical that manifestation that bothers me. It's the urge to for the feelings I have always assumed I would bring up in me at the point in time where I looked into a mirror and saw something beautiful looking back at me.

Every woman, I think goes through this and the pull of the advertisements for instant beauty of the fashion and cosmetic industries products begin working on young women even before they even know who they are and what they want in life.

I always was messmerized by the sheer Devin look of a woman's eyes when traced with eye liner and delicatly shaded with color. I envisioned my eyes looking that way and then from there on down, but the more I think about it, was the eyes I was looking at looking back at the world with any less envy?

Were they any more satisfied with what they saw in their own mirrors any more perfect than what I saw in my own?

People speak all day about the word grace as something of devine origin. I don't know how many believes in that but, to me grace is more about what we give to ourselves when we find enough equilibrium within ourselves to allow us the give back to the world around us and try to bring a little beauty to the world around us. Hopefully, I can and hopfully we all can.

I am a women and I look out upon this world through a women's eyes, because of that. As I age, what I see of this world is more and more out of focus, but I see humanity in more stark detail as ever before and what I see out there is a growing appitite for something no one can achieve, because so many look to the outside for contintment and it never dawns on them that all the containment in the world has always existed within ourselves, we just have to block out the fallacy of instant gratification by way of corporate products and lean to accept the raw majesty of being who we are inside and left that shine.

I hate what this world has done to people and I hate what materialism has done to humanity. I hate seeing good people's spirits being trampled to death, but more than anything I hate seeing the best, the brightest and the most beautiful among us lpass out of this world and leave us with a whole that we feel cab never be adequately filled.

We lost a great deal when we lost David and we lost yet again more when we lost DBM. I regret not speaking to her atleast one more time before the curtain closed on her life, but I remember the light she brought into this small comunity and just as David colored those around them just as much as they colored us.

I wonder how much right I have to look out at what I think I'm missing because I don't appear outwardly as who I have always wished to look, when so many have shined their light into me to try and brighten my life.

I truly don't know where I am going with this but I feel that I need to focus on what I have instead of what I want, so I can truly learn to appreciate what I have to give to others and learn how best to do that.

All in all what I think we are all really looking for is a connection to others and I am seeing less and less benefit to me and to those around me to yearn for my own losses when they are so minuscule in comparison to some of the losses others have been dealing with for far longer.

I think if I fill myself with humanity and the joy of learning from those around me I will be able to satisfy the needs I've looked to fill for so long by not continuing to look in the wrong places and focus on the one that was always available to me. Humanity.
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Old 13 Nov 2017, 02:38 AM   #680078 / #6
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Just me, dress as a woman and what about hormones without surgery. I am no doctor, but just saying.
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Old 13 Nov 2017, 05:22 AM   #680083 / #7
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Just me, dress as a woman and what about hormones without surgery. I am no doctor, but just saying.
I had been thinking of doing that. I really don't need to dress as a women, since some women don't dress as women. I'n always casul and not really into style. I was thinking about get female hormones through Amazon, as I've seen them advertised there, but I don't know how reliable they are.
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Old 13 Nov 2017, 05:33 AM   #680084 / #8
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Agree about dress. First consult with a doctor about hormones.
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Old 13 Nov 2017, 08:17 AM   #680087 / #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aupmanyav View Post
Just me, dress as a woman and what about hormones without surgery. I am no doctor, but just saying.
I had been thinking of doing that. I really don't need to dress as a women, since some women don't dress as women. I'n always casul and not really into style. I was thinking about get female hormones through Amazon, as I've seen them advertised there, but I don't know how reliable they are.
I have a couple of transsexual friends who have transitioned. Messing with hormones leads to emotional volatility. It's hard to prepare for yourself. I recommend doing it together with professionals.

In Sweden the government pays for it, and also has a big machine of experienced therapists to guide those transitioning through it. So it's different.

I recommend getting in touch with other transsexuals in a similar situation. There must surely be forums for that? There's forums for everything.

Also, we have a mechanic in our bodies to equal out hormone levels. that means that if you add oestrogen, you'll also add testosterone. So you need to suppress testosterone somehow. More reason to get a professional onboard to help guide you. Hormone interaction is super complicated.

But good luck, whatever you chose to do
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Old 13 Nov 2017, 09:24 AM   #680088 / #10
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Oh... and everybody is crazy. So congratulations on being human
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Old 13 Nov 2017, 02:50 PM   #680118 / #11
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Nice, Dr. Zoidberg.
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Old 16 Nov 2017, 05:58 PM   #680413 / #12
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Quote:
I was never able to feel the part of a man and couldn't get the masculine attitudes of the supreme alpha male. It simply felt ridiculous waste of time. I always surrounded myself with girls and women because I felt comfortable.
Not even all cis heterosexual males are "alpha male" types. There are times when I'd rather be around women too, and it has nothing to do with my attraction to them. I don't have many close male friends nearby at this point in my life. Some of the ones I do tend to wind up being around are generally good, but moderately sexist and racist at times, and being someone who avoids confrontation I tend to just try to shift the subject or just walk away.

Anyway, I'm sure I can't imagine what you're going through, but I hope you are able to find some level of peace and comfort in your life. I agree with others about being yourself and also seeking out the help, guidance, and community of others like yourself to help you get by.
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Old 17 Nov 2017, 09:22 AM   #680490 / #13
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Quote:
I was never able to feel the part of a man and couldn't get the masculine attitudes of the supreme alpha male. It simply felt ridiculous waste of time. I always surrounded myself with girls and women because I felt comfortable.
Not even all cis heterosexual males are "alpha male" types. There are times when I'd rather be around women too, and it has nothing to do with my attraction to them. I don't have many close male friends nearby at this point in my life. Some of the ones I do tend to wind up being around are generally good, but moderately sexist and racist at times, and being someone who avoids confrontation I tend to just try to shift the subject or just walk away.

Anyway, I'm sure I can't imagine what you're going through, but I hope you are able to find some level of peace and comfort in your life. I agree with others about being yourself and also seeking out the help, guidance, and community of others like yourself to help you get by.
I think Alpha males are supposed to be confident? Racism or sexism is signs of insecurity, isn't it? So anybody racist or sexist is hardly an alpha male, right?

To me an alpha male is a man who is calm, confident, listens, pays attention, introspects, uses his power to lift up those around him and has the ability, when necessary, to take control of a situation. Their defining characteristics is discipline and humility.
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Old 17 Nov 2017, 03:24 PM   #680501 / #14
justme
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shake View Post
Quote:
I was never able to feel the part of a man and couldn't get the masculine attitudes of the supreme alpha male. It simply felt ridiculous waste of time. I always surrounded myself with girls and women because I felt comfortable.
Not even all cis heterosexual males are "alpha male" types. There are times when I'd rather be around women too, and it has nothing to do with my attraction to them. I don't have many close male friends nearby at this point in my life. Some of the ones I do tend to wind up being around are generally good, but moderately sexist and racist at times, and being someone who avoids confrontation I tend to just try to shift the subject or just walk away.

Anyway, I'm sure I can't imagine what you're going through, but I hope you are able to find some level of peace and comfort in your life. I agree with others about being yourself and also seeking out the help, guidance, and community of others like yourself to help you get by.
I think Alpha males are supposed to be confident? Racism or sexism is signs of insecurity, isn't it? So anybody racist or sexist is hardly an alpha male, right?

To me an alpha male is a man who is calm, confident, listens, pays attention, introspects, uses his power to lift up those around him and has the ability, when necessary, to take control of a situation. Their defining characteristics is discipline and humility.
This is what I'm thinking, but Alpha males can be control freeks, who are in my opinion are bullies that memick alpha males to cover for their insecurity.

If you remember right the last great episode of racism started after President Obama took office, but I'm not sure wither most of it was because he was a black man or because our economy was being torn apart. It would seem to me that fear of loosing their income would make some people less open to sharing what resources we have and out of sheer tribalism, those people that these people would see as foreigners would see them as rivals to their own survival.

Man gets very primative when their bellies are empty.
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Old 17 Nov 2017, 03:31 PM   #680503 / #15
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Like Shake, I admit that your 'insanity' is not something I can understand clearly, since I've been comfortable in my maleness and heterosexuality since earliest adulthood. (I do think that 'insanity' is a poor term here; 'disphoria' seems more accurate, as best I can tell.)

I also admit that I think of 'transsexual' as someone who has actually taken medical steps to change the sex they were born with- so I would not call you that. However, it's plain from your writings that you are not happy with your male body and identity, and I certainly am not condemning you for *wanting* to be a transsexual. Nor am I condemning you for not taking those medical steps, as did Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner, for example. It's a HUGE leap, not just easy steps!

I think the best advice I- we- can give you, is to seek out some professional help in dealing with your unhappiness about your sexual identity. Willing though we are to help you, we simply don't have the expertise.

I think I've suggested before that you should try reading some of the works of the science fiction writer John Varley. In some of his tales of the future, medical science has advanced to the point that sex changes are simple, quick, and complete; men can change to women and bear children, and women to men who can father children. His visions of what that does to society and individual identity might help you clarify your own path. (Or, I admit, it might just make you want to live in his 'Eight Planets' universe, even with all the dangers and complexities found there.) You might start with any of his Eight Planets novels, or with The John Varley Reader, a collection of his short stories- look in particular for his story Options.
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Old 17 Nov 2017, 05:06 PM   #680510 / #16
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It's been many years since Bane posted here, unfortunately. S/he was suffering from the mirror image of your condition; born female, s/he wanted to be male. That link goes to a fairly short discussion about it.
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Old 17 Nov 2017, 07:37 PM   #680523 / #17
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I've hesitated to post to your thread Justme, because imo, your primary problem seems to be that you let what other people think, bother you too much. So, regardless of your issue with your gender identity, it seems like you need to find a way to be yourself and stop worrying what others think. I really don't know how you can solve what seems to be to me like a lack of self confidence.

You have plenty of positive qualities and I don't think that has a thing to do with gender. If you need advice on doing something about your gender issue, I'm afraid you're asking the wrong people. Most of us here seem pretty satisfied with the way we were born so we can't fully identify with what you are experiencing. Regardless, I think most of us like you for the person you are. Changing your physical characteristics won't change that. Do I understand what you're experiencing? Frankly no, but that shouldn't have a thing to do with any decision you make. You're not hurting anyone and it's your life. You must decide what's best for you.
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Old 18 Nov 2017, 07:48 AM   #680568 / #18
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Well, I apriciate all your responces. I didn't really know where I was going with this to begin with. All I think I wanted to do was bare my chest and throw my innermost feelings out there and just get it off my chest so I could move on.

I've had this roaming around in there for as long as I can remember. I've felt so many times that I stopped an ongoing post by responding to it in a manner that pissed everybody off or you guys were so sympathetic to me that you just walked away from it rather than try to answer some of my crackpot ideas. I was trying to show you a little glimpse into my head so that you would understand what I am going through. so you could make sense of, at least some of my strange responses.

Last edited by justme; 18 Nov 2017 at 08:14 AM.
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Old 19 Nov 2017, 04:19 AM   #680607 / #19
Jobar
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Beginning at post 19, the thread switched to something more suited to Misc Disc, or Politics. I'll split that part off tomorrow sometime.

See split at Global warming, economics, and chauvinism.

Last edited by Jobar; 20 Nov 2017 at 04:53 PM.
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